Black Coffee, and Prozac, and Cocktail Rings...THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!

...so today I was playing waitress during a VERY SLOW lunch shift. I said out loud "I want to make 100 dollars...I am 'secreting it!' " (for those of you who don't know what The Secret is, it is some book where you 'vision' these things you want and put them out in the universe. I actually never read it but my bat-shit crazy ex-roommate Renee is obsessed with it and sometimes I like to 'secret' things just to be an a-hole)....ANYWAYS...my co-waitress, Chris, informed me (I think he actually read the book) that I had to then list 5 things I am grateful for...so I said "THAT WILL BE MY BLOG TOPIC!"

1. MAC Spice Lipliner

I have been wearing this for YEARS. I love it love it love it. I constantly have 2 in my possession at all times. When I cannot find my lipliner I get a little intense. Once I ripped the lining out of my purse in a frantic search for my pencil of life. I really think this cosmetic masterpiece is actually a Harry Potter/Willy Wonka magic wand because no matter what lipstick you pair it with, it ALWAYS looks the same. Magical.

2. Black Coffee

I used to go to Starbucks and order "Grande Non Fat Sugar Free Hazelnut Latte with and Extra Shot of Espresso" (That was before these 'skinny' latte things were invented...) Then I realized that I was "that person" and I was broke, and lazy. Bottom line...it is much cheaper/quicker/and Barista friendly to just say BLACK COFFEE. Then I started feeling like a bad ass. Everyone else needed cream and sugar, but not me, I was the bad ass taking the risky java road of simplicity.

3. Bette Midler

My idol. The Divine Miss M is my ultimate FAVORITE album. Her phrasing in "Am I Blue?" is heartbreakingly perfect, and her performance as CC Bloom in Beaches reminds me that I DO have a soul.

4. My Black Silk Dressing Robe

When I get ready in the morning I like to wear a black silk robe. Preferably while my rollers are setting and my facepaint is drying. I think it is more lady-like and I also like the way the fresh morning breeze flows through....i mean....wait...

I think my friend Alicia said it best. Once before a show I walked onstage with my rollers/makeup/robe...she looked at me and without skipping a beat said "Nomi Malone, you're a star".

(for those of you who do not know who Nomi is...she is the character played by Elizabeth "Jesse Spano" Berkley in the cinematic masterpiece 'Showgirls')

5.The Original Broadway Cast Recording of "Aint Misbehavin'"

I don't know. It came on my iTunes the other day and I forgot how WONDERFUL it really is. I mean Nell Carter's rendition of 'Mean to Me' leaves my speechless and I always start shimmying during the opening number. Then I started thinking...do you think that "Fats" Waller ever got sad and cried in his room alone because he secretly hated being called "Fats"......

So those are 5 things I am thankful for today....I am sure it will change next week...well not the Spice Lipliner. I am in an LTR with that one.

Huggles!

Leesy.

Christmas Shopping Stresses Me Out.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. I do not find Christmas in NYC magical. I think the Xanax I take before "experiencing" it is indeed magical. I get it the lights are nice, the "Rockettes are all-a dancing", and there is shopping galore...but there are people, CRAZY people everywhere.....

I attempted Christmas shopping the other day. Now, a few years back when I would go Christmas shopping in Michigan I would always add a little something to my coffee to make the day a little smoother....and by a little "something" I mean 100 proof Peppermint Schnapps. I still was a hot mess and ended up crying in some awkward corner of Sears praying that the perfect gifts would just find me. Well, here I am now in NYC, attempting Christmas shopping...with no Schnapps, just me...whatever dignity I have left....and a teasing comb.

The thing is unlike shopping in Metro-Detroit you cannot just make one or 2 trips and find EVERYTHING. You cannot just go to the nice mall to get most of your stuff and then hop down to the "other" mall for those Old Navy gifts...nope not in NYC. You must plan your shopping like you are plotting World War 3. Then ONCE you figure out which stores you are going to, you must then find out which area of the city has the most of these stores in the same area, THEN you must plan your travel route so you don't go WAY out of your way to get to said gifts. Now before I continue I am going to shut all of you up that are thinking "Doesnt she know the true meaning of Christmas?" Yes I do. However I also know the looks on everyone's faces when they open up empty boxes from me with notecards inside that say "The Reason For The Season"....People like presents on Christmas. We all agree...moving on.

Lets go over some possible gift options....

Housewares : So I venture into Crate and Barrel..Pottery Barn..Williams Sonoma..CB2..West Elm.....All of those stores that are WAY out of my price range but perhaps I can buy some napkin rings or a tiny clock and make my friends think I am loaded. NOPE. I walk into them and I am smacked in the face with Christmas Ornaments and awkward kitchenware. There is nothing practical. Perhaps a nice engraved bootflask, pillbox, or even a grapfruit spoon set? NOPE but you will be SURE to find a zester for citrus within the range of 14-16 cmm, or a deviled egg tray for premature ostrich eggs. Eff you yuppie awkward homemakers!

Clothing : Will someone PLEASE tell the "Hipsters" that Robin-Hood/Anne of Avonlea "Chique" is not cool. These terrible muted browns and faded maroon hues paired with silly ankle boots that rival those worn in my middle school production of "The Music Man" are just getting old. I am trying to buy some holiday "staples", like a nice sweater, or a hat and glove set, maybe even some pajamas but they DO NOT exist. I swear to God I found racks upon racks of these terrible MC Hammer pants with a sensible Victorian buttoned waist/belt thing. You know what I am talking about. Then I asked about scarves...the scarves. The man with glasses that did not have lenses pointed me to the 2 styles they carried. One that was the longest thing I have ever seen. I told him that by the time I unraveled myself from the "beast of knittery" that he was trying to sell me, it would already be time to leave and I would have to put it back on. Then he introduced me to a scarf that could be worn 45 different ways. I dont understand why I need to be able to wear my scarf as a fashionable halter top, or a mini skirt. In 1985...maybe...not in the DEAD ASS WINTER of Aught 10. (Thats 2010, just another Victorian reference). I leave empty handed.

Everything else. This is where my brain goes when I have no clue. I start to debate the "weird Holiday food/beverage gift sets". You know those things that we all secretly want to recieve. The Hickory Farms Sausage that NEVER spoil..which is totally weird, but totally delightful. In New York you cant really find those Midwest gems. Instead we have overpriced Jams made of Fig/Arugla/Pigsblood, and cheese spread made of Organic Vegan Farmraised Cagefree Soy/Rice/Almond/Raw/Non-Milk. Nothing anyone WANTS to eat...Giftset Fail. Then I ponder electronics. Affordable electronics are a thing of yesteryear, and the Apple Store is a WHOLE other anxiety attack. Gift Cards? Totally thoughtless, yet another thing that everyone secretly wants. You know the receiver will LOVE it, however then THEY know how much I spent and I know my super saver inside could get them so much more on sale in the sale sections of all the stores in NYC that don't EXIST and I can't find a SALE ANYWHERE...so WHY dont I just buy a f%^king GIFTCARD but I can't BECAUSE I WILL FIND THE PERFECT GIFT!!!....

...and that's how I ended up in the hospital. No not really, I mean I got through it. I left with one gift for someone else, and some spatulas and a tea pot for myself, and then got food poisoning the next day (that's a seperate blog..). So I must venture out again....and face my fears again...this time also buying the overpriced wrapping paper and bows because we can't just use newspapers these days.....it's all too depressing....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Leesey...put a little lipstick on.

The dictionary defines a "Lady" as 'a woman who is polite, refined, and well spoken' (...I really wouldnt say I qualify there..) also as 'a woman of high social position or of economical class' (..I grew up in Warren, MI...so did Eminem, need I say more?) and thirdly defined as 'any woman, female' (..folks, with the amount of times I have been confused for a Drag Queen, even THAT is pushing it..). However I still have some dignity left, and won't let any dictionary bring me down, I am still a F%^%ing LADY!

When asking for topic ideas for this blog my friend Jessalyn suggested I write "The Rules of Being a Lady". Now I don't think I have the authority to write that (my mother on the other hand..), however I will write a few SUGGESTIONS...

Big hair. Now, I love a good flat iron, but even more than that I love a good teasing comb. Growing up my mother, Sally would often shout "Leesey! Let me feather your bangs!" I am not quite sure what "feathering" ones bangs truly entails, however I just remember a lot of Aquanet, and some sort of hair creation in front of my face that looked like a peacock's ass. Thanks Mom. As I have matured into a young lady, I have continued to back-comb, tease, rat my artificially colored mane, because as they say "The bigger the hair the closer to God"...and I need the extra points.

A Girdle. No one likes muffin top, everyone likes cookies. It's an awful problem. There is a solution. Suck that business in! Yes, the undergarments donned at my Senior Prom may have rivaled those of a Elizabethian Queen....but I looked good. If those pantyhose don't say "Control Top" they go right back on the shelf, next to the other useless items at the Drug Store..like tinted moisturizer....

Which brings me to my next topic. FULL FACE! Whoever said "less is more" with makeup needs to be slapped with a stick of pancake foundation! LADIES, PAINT IT ON! When I put on lipliner and the 14th coat of mascara I feel like I can conquer the world! Well that...or a Southern Ice Cream Social.

Most importantly, a lady needs to be confident, ballsy, and hard-working....in heels. Love YOURSELF.....well I mean poof your, hair, suck yourself in, and paint your face...THEN love yourself.

"Sally, she's an old school Showgirl. She's a tough broad"-My friend Billy on my mother...

The Broadway Bunch?

Here it is folks! My friends and I are moving to New York in September, and decided to put on a show! Ta-Daaaaa! So I present

You'll laugh, you'll cry, but I can't say it's better than Cats. It could be comperable to Cats....but only if Tom allows me to don my "Ole' Doots" costume in the second act. So if you are in the Metro-Detroit area...be there. If you are not, put in your DVD of Broadway Leading Ladies, its the same thing, I promise. Ben does a killer Andrea McArdle, and Renee's weave is promised to shake just like Jennifer Holliday's on the "You're gunna love MEEEEEEEEE-OWWW".

Welcome Ladies and....Ladies?

As Jerri Blank says so proudly in Strangers With Candy, "IVE GOT SOMETHING TO SAAAAY!!!!!", well not really, but doesn't everyone want to read a blog consisting of dry wit, musical theatre references that will make your stomach churn with pure cheese, and countless tales of vodka, fat jokes, and trying to make sense of life?

I present....

"Does This Blog Make My Ass Look Big"

Coming Soon.....

And by soon I mean as soon as I..
A. Have something worthwhile to post and/or
B. Have a cocktail