Showgirls are CRAZY!

I will admit I am a little crazy. More importantly I am OK with it. Not only am I OK with my crazy, I embrace my crazy. I feel as if it makes me who I am, well that and a lot of hairspray. Not gonna lie, there have been days when I am walking down the streets thinking my crazy thoughts and wondering "Am I only 3 cats away from being a full out Edie Beale Grey Gardens case?". Then I think "Ya' know? What if I am? At least I have got a good story to tell, and I always have loved a good head scarf"

I have always been fascinated with the correlation of mental illness and creativity. Some of the most brilliant artists have turned out some of their best work in a manic episode or a deep depression. These artists are so lost in themselves that the only way to escape is to create an alternative universe. They create a world through music, painting, words, and dance that takes them out of themselves, and in many cases results in brilliant work. I have not been as fortunate as to create a brilliant opera, or museum worthy painting when I am in the throws of depression. I however, have worn out my VHS copy of "Beaches" and can OWN a pint of "Oatmeal Cookie Chunk" Ice Cream.

Just today I was discussing with a friend how I think some of the best performers are those with a little "grit" in their story. They've been through some shit, in some cases they may even have 14 personalities, but they can usually tell a good story. I then got to thinking that maybe if they ran the auditions a little differently we'd be able to snatch up these "broken gems" and weed out the boring ones.

Actor : Good afternoon! I will be performing 16 bars from....

Random Casting Director: Hold On! Before you start, do you have any daddy issues?

Actor : Umm...No I had a great family life.

RCD: Thank you thats all I need to see today.

or

Actor : Hello! Would you like to hear the classical piece or the..

RCD : One minute! Have you ever resorted to prostitution in order to survive?

Actor : Actually I am a virgin and..

RCD : NEXT!

Actor :...well only because I have severe issues with opening up to people and don't really love myself and therefor do not think I will ever be capable of loving another, or ever allowing someone to love me.

RCD : Perfect. I will see you at the callback.

Of course there will be exceptions to the rules. Those people who have held on to their marbles, have a happy relationship, come from the perfect family with the perfect house and the perfect dog, and can still deliver like the craziest. However you think they do good work now? Wait until her husband leaves her for the man that was actually once married to her mother and she is now addicted to pills, malt liquor, and daytime soap operas. In between her wine coolers and her tears she'll begin to create. You thought she was delivering before, now she's giving you ART. As my grandmother always said "A sane mind can never sell The Man That Got Away". Actually my grandmother never said that, but I think it's true, and I think she should fully take credit for it and share it with the ladies at church.

FAMILY BAND!

What happens when a family full of musicians, actors, singers, and relatively insane people all get together for a holiday? Most would say "Drama!" or "Drunken fights!". No. Not in the Castle household. We put our talents to work. Once the table has been cleared and the dessert has begun to digest, we all reconvene with our weapon of choice in hand. It is time to begin, FAMILY BAND!

For as long as I can remember my father has always brought his guitar with him to family gatherings. At the end of the night he would play, and the family would all sing together. Sometimes other relatives would chime in if they had an instrument and my Uncle Dan was always keeping rhythm with the spoons. At the time I didn't realize how special this was.

As the years passed, the family band grew. My brother followed in my fathers footsteps and learned the guitar, friends we had made had become family, and our family had become larger as well. The Castle Family Singers (I really wish we had a name like the Brady Bunch, or at least matching track suits) had acquired a full band behind them. At one gathering my mother decided to pass out instruments, tinwhistles, bongos, a sensible 1934 bugle, shakers, and the list goes on. You know, just the typical things every family has laying around the house. I always looked forward to this time, but I didn't know how special this really was.

The strumming and singing that had always just happened organically began to become one of the most anticipated portions of the evening. We began to call it "Family Band", and in true Castle fashion poked fun at it and ourselves for participating in it, and secretly couldn't wait for it to start. We no longer had to wrangle up the family and explain what was going on, we knew. We sat on the floor and grabbed our instruments. My dad got his Martin D-28 out of the same blue hardshell case, and began to strum the familiar chords. In unison we began, "Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea, and harbored in the autumn mist...."

I haven't been able to return home for the holidays in a few years. Some of my family has moved, and we rarely get the chance to see each other. I am surprisingly emotional as I write this morning. Like I previously wrote, I didn't know how special this was. It seemed so normal to me, it was all that I knew. Today on Thanksgiving, I am filled with gratitude. My heart is so full with these wonderful memories. No matter what was going on in the family, no matter what stresses were engulfing our lives, for those moments we were all in bliss. I hope someday soon there will be a time when we are all together, when my dad grabs his guitar, Uncle Dan grabs the spoons, and we all just sit around and let go.

She bangs.

Today I went for a haircut. As I sat in the chair I looked at my hair and thought, girl, we've been through it all.

The first major hair change that I can recall happened when I was about 5 or 6. I had long blonde hair and I was obsessed with Pippi Longstocking. I decided I wanted to have hair like Anika (Pippi's sidekick), so I did. I got it all chopped off into a Anika-bob! Looking back at this experience I can really see how I was destined for mediocrity at a young age. Really Elise? You wanted the Anika, the supporting character? No Mom, I don't want to be Annie, I wanna be the butch orphan, Dixie, thats my DREAM!

Things pretty much stayed at a standstill "locks-wise" until high-school. A few of my friends and I had decided as a group that we were all going to go "bleached-blonde". Some groups of friends in high-school have pregnancy pacts, my friends and I were bound together by boxes of Clairol. Cheap. Boxed. Hairdye. This was also around the same time where one of my friends had decided to take up "braiding". He was very good at doing all this intricate braid-work and we all agreed to be models. Picture this. Mob of relatively awkward/uncomfortable females with bleach blonde hair braided in the style of Salt N' Peppa on their way to Marching Band rehearsal. I think every school dance I went to had a hairstyle involving braids and we also somehow incorporated the braids into the school plays (Renaissance braids, 1950's braids, Anetevka braids). In our defense the braids worked very well under our band hats and really thats all that matters.

Later on in highschool I chopped my hair and died it brown with chunky brown highlights. My initial intention was to look like Kelly Clarkson circa "Moment Like This". My weight at the time made this look more Tracy Turnblad than anything. That wasn't a winning moment. So I did what any lady would do. Grew it out and bleached it again....

I continued to bounce back and forth between colors. I was blonde, then brown, then highlights, then RED. In 2005 I went to a salon and decided to go red. It was a risk but I figured I had nothing to lose. After the color was completed I knew I had found a match. Friends agreed and I knew I was in a LTR with red hair.

Now throughout the years it has been a lot of trial and error in order to find something that really "works". I have been almost every shade of red. Maroon to orange. True Red Pomegranate to #69 Spicy Salsa (The legit names of the Garnier box dye I used in college). There were years when I was rocking some blonde eyebrows with my crimson locks, and many times when my hair looked like Josephs Dreamcoat (it was red and yellow and green and brown....). After 6 and a half years I would like to say that I have figured it out. No more boxed dye, I request a natural looking red at the salon, and MAC makes a great eyebrow mascara in a shade called Girlboy (which I love for me) that matches my haircolor PERFECT!

So thats the riveting tale of my hair. FYI I got bangs today. It was a reallly big deal. I mean I have had bangs before, actually I have had them for most of the past 6 years. They had finally grown out and I was worried I was going to somehow look like I did this one time I got this awful bang induced haircut that made me look like George Washington. I am pleased to say that these bangs are not colonial at all. This is some 21st century bang shit.

Eating My Feelings.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I was in the aisle of a grocery store with tears streaming down my face. My stomach was empty, as was my cart. I was so lost amongst the Lean Cuisines and Tuna Helper. I had no idea what to buy and was overwhelmed by the daunting labels of the food. Each label telling me which diet they were approved by, which items had no fat, which had low fat, which had no sugar, which items were vegan friendly, which items had low carbs, which had no carbs. My head was spinning. I just wanted to grab a 6 pack of Tab, some Melba Toast, and hop in a time machine back to 1988 when dieting was simple.

I left that day with a bruised heart, and a bottle of Franks Red Hot.

What is good for us any more? I have tried every diet there is, I have been losing the last 15 pounds for about 5 years, and just recently have I finally began to look at food as an energy source as she was intended, as opposed to the backstabbing bitch I have called her for years.

I began counting calories at a young age. I didn't beg my mother to let me take gymnastics or to go to summer camp. I pleaded with my parents for months to go to Weight Watchers. Every little girls dream. However it didn't really work with my life. Ya know, pulling out your Points Finder in the lunch line and bringing my food scale to sleepovers didn't always go over well.

As I got older I began to tackle other diets. South Beach seemed to work for a couple of weeks, but then I had to "moderately" reintroduce foods into my diet. Elise Castle and moderation go together like 50% of heterosexual marriages, it just doesn't work. I also tried veganism for a bit. I totally support it, and think it is a really great healthy way of living. I also think you have the worst gas of your life, you piss off all your friends, and your grandmother doesn't understand when you say you're a Vegan and thinks you are now in a blood-drinking cult.

The list goes on and on, you name it I have tried it. I drank that water with cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and lemon juice. Bullshit. I ate too much, I didn't eat enough, I didn't eat sugar, I ate things that tasted like sugar but were not sugar and probably made from whale ass, I had a vodka only dinner for years, I stopped drinking all together, I counted calories, I counted pounds, I gained weight, I lost weight, and then I lost my mind.

My brain was consumed by all the diets I had tried in the past. Weight watchers said I could have a little bit of bread, Atkins said not at all, it was a staple in my Vegan diet, and in my vodka diet I was passed out with the loaf in my hand. Then something changed. I woke up one day and said "Let it go. Just for today. Eat when you're hungry. Eat what you want. Stop when you're full. Repeat."

I was shocked. I did just that. Surprisingly after years of hellish dieting I had learned SOME things and my body had no interest in fried or sugary foods anyway. I began to eat when I was healthy, eat a sandwich and not feel like I had committed a crime, go to the grocery store and leave with more than just a resentment and hot sauce. I began to feel free.

So what is good for us? Food. Eating. A healthy relationship with the energy that keeps us going. Now, I am not going to lie. I am not a 100% reformed woman. There are times when no one is home, I put on my black dressing robe, grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's, turn on a delightfully sinful Shannon Doherty Lifetime shitshow and eat my feelings. The difference today. I am OK with it.

Black Coffee, and Prozac, and Cocktail Rings...THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!

...so today I was playing waitress during a VERY SLOW lunch shift. I said out loud "I want to make 100 dollars...I am 'secreting it!' " (for those of you who don't know what The Secret is, it is some book where you 'vision' these things you want and put them out in the universe. I actually never read it but my bat-shit crazy ex-roommate Renee is obsessed with it and sometimes I like to 'secret' things just to be an a-hole)....ANYWAYS...my co-waitress, Chris, informed me (I think he actually read the book) that I had to then list 5 things I am grateful for...so I said "THAT WILL BE MY BLOG TOPIC!"

1. MAC Spice Lipliner

I have been wearing this for YEARS. I love it love it love it. I constantly have 2 in my possession at all times. When I cannot find my lipliner I get a little intense. Once I ripped the lining out of my purse in a frantic search for my pencil of life. I really think this cosmetic masterpiece is actually a Harry Potter/Willy Wonka magic wand because no matter what lipstick you pair it with, it ALWAYS looks the same. Magical.

2. Black Coffee

I used to go to Starbucks and order "Grande Non Fat Sugar Free Hazelnut Latte with and Extra Shot of Espresso" (That was before these 'skinny' latte things were invented...) Then I realized that I was "that person" and I was broke, and lazy. Bottom line...it is much cheaper/quicker/and Barista friendly to just say BLACK COFFEE. Then I started feeling like a bad ass. Everyone else needed cream and sugar, but not me, I was the bad ass taking the risky java road of simplicity.

3. Bette Midler

My idol. The Divine Miss M is my ultimate FAVORITE album. Her phrasing in "Am I Blue?" is heartbreakingly perfect, and her performance as CC Bloom in Beaches reminds me that I DO have a soul.

4. My Black Silk Dressing Robe

When I get ready in the morning I like to wear a black silk robe. Preferably while my rollers are setting and my facepaint is drying. I think it is more lady-like and I also like the way the fresh morning breeze flows through....i mean....wait...

I think my friend Alicia said it best. Once before a show I walked onstage with my rollers/makeup/robe...she looked at me and without skipping a beat said "Nomi Malone, you're a star".

(for those of you who do not know who Nomi is...she is the character played by Elizabeth "Jesse Spano" Berkley in the cinematic masterpiece 'Showgirls')

5.The Original Broadway Cast Recording of "Aint Misbehavin'"

I don't know. It came on my iTunes the other day and I forgot how WONDERFUL it really is. I mean Nell Carter's rendition of 'Mean to Me' leaves my speechless and I always start shimmying during the opening number. Then I started thinking...do you think that "Fats" Waller ever got sad and cried in his room alone because he secretly hated being called "Fats"......

So those are 5 things I am thankful for today....I am sure it will change next week...well not the Spice Lipliner. I am in an LTR with that one.

Huggles!

Leesy.

Christmas Shopping Stresses Me Out.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. I do not find Christmas in NYC magical. I think the Xanax I take before "experiencing" it is indeed magical. I get it the lights are nice, the "Rockettes are all-a dancing", and there is shopping galore...but there are people, CRAZY people everywhere.....

I attempted Christmas shopping the other day. Now, a few years back when I would go Christmas shopping in Michigan I would always add a little something to my coffee to make the day a little smoother....and by a little "something" I mean 100 proof Peppermint Schnapps. I still was a hot mess and ended up crying in some awkward corner of Sears praying that the perfect gifts would just find me. Well, here I am now in NYC, attempting Christmas shopping...with no Schnapps, just me...whatever dignity I have left....and a teasing comb.

The thing is unlike shopping in Metro-Detroit you cannot just make one or 2 trips and find EVERYTHING. You cannot just go to the nice mall to get most of your stuff and then hop down to the "other" mall for those Old Navy gifts...nope not in NYC. You must plan your shopping like you are plotting World War 3. Then ONCE you figure out which stores you are going to, you must then find out which area of the city has the most of these stores in the same area, THEN you must plan your travel route so you don't go WAY out of your way to get to said gifts. Now before I continue I am going to shut all of you up that are thinking "Doesnt she know the true meaning of Christmas?" Yes I do. However I also know the looks on everyone's faces when they open up empty boxes from me with notecards inside that say "The Reason For The Season"....People like presents on Christmas. We all agree...moving on.

Lets go over some possible gift options....

Housewares : So I venture into Crate and Barrel..Pottery Barn..Williams Sonoma..CB2..West Elm.....All of those stores that are WAY out of my price range but perhaps I can buy some napkin rings or a tiny clock and make my friends think I am loaded. NOPE. I walk into them and I am smacked in the face with Christmas Ornaments and awkward kitchenware. There is nothing practical. Perhaps a nice engraved bootflask, pillbox, or even a grapfruit spoon set? NOPE but you will be SURE to find a zester for citrus within the range of 14-16 cmm, or a deviled egg tray for premature ostrich eggs. Eff you yuppie awkward homemakers!

Clothing : Will someone PLEASE tell the "Hipsters" that Robin-Hood/Anne of Avonlea "Chique" is not cool. These terrible muted browns and faded maroon hues paired with silly ankle boots that rival those worn in my middle school production of "The Music Man" are just getting old. I am trying to buy some holiday "staples", like a nice sweater, or a hat and glove set, maybe even some pajamas but they DO NOT exist. I swear to God I found racks upon racks of these terrible MC Hammer pants with a sensible Victorian buttoned waist/belt thing. You know what I am talking about. Then I asked about scarves...the scarves. The man with glasses that did not have lenses pointed me to the 2 styles they carried. One that was the longest thing I have ever seen. I told him that by the time I unraveled myself from the "beast of knittery" that he was trying to sell me, it would already be time to leave and I would have to put it back on. Then he introduced me to a scarf that could be worn 45 different ways. I dont understand why I need to be able to wear my scarf as a fashionable halter top, or a mini skirt. In 1985...maybe...not in the DEAD ASS WINTER of Aught 10. (Thats 2010, just another Victorian reference). I leave empty handed.

Everything else. This is where my brain goes when I have no clue. I start to debate the "weird Holiday food/beverage gift sets". You know those things that we all secretly want to recieve. The Hickory Farms Sausage that NEVER spoil..which is totally weird, but totally delightful. In New York you cant really find those Midwest gems. Instead we have overpriced Jams made of Fig/Arugla/Pigsblood, and cheese spread made of Organic Vegan Farmraised Cagefree Soy/Rice/Almond/Raw/Non-Milk. Nothing anyone WANTS to eat...Giftset Fail. Then I ponder electronics. Affordable electronics are a thing of yesteryear, and the Apple Store is a WHOLE other anxiety attack. Gift Cards? Totally thoughtless, yet another thing that everyone secretly wants. You know the receiver will LOVE it, however then THEY know how much I spent and I know my super saver inside could get them so much more on sale in the sale sections of all the stores in NYC that don't EXIST and I can't find a SALE ANYWHERE...so WHY dont I just buy a f%^king GIFTCARD but I can't BECAUSE I WILL FIND THE PERFECT GIFT!!!....

...and that's how I ended up in the hospital. No not really, I mean I got through it. I left with one gift for someone else, and some spatulas and a tea pot for myself, and then got food poisoning the next day (that's a seperate blog..). So I must venture out again....and face my fears again...this time also buying the overpriced wrapping paper and bows because we can't just use newspapers these days.....it's all too depressing....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Leesey...put a little lipstick on.

The dictionary defines a "Lady" as 'a woman who is polite, refined, and well spoken' (...I really wouldnt say I qualify there..) also as 'a woman of high social position or of economical class' (..I grew up in Warren, MI...so did Eminem, need I say more?) and thirdly defined as 'any woman, female' (..folks, with the amount of times I have been confused for a Drag Queen, even THAT is pushing it..). However I still have some dignity left, and won't let any dictionary bring me down, I am still a F%^%ing LADY!

When asking for topic ideas for this blog my friend Jessalyn suggested I write "The Rules of Being a Lady". Now I don't think I have the authority to write that (my mother on the other hand..), however I will write a few SUGGESTIONS...

Big hair. Now, I love a good flat iron, but even more than that I love a good teasing comb. Growing up my mother, Sally would often shout "Leesey! Let me feather your bangs!" I am not quite sure what "feathering" ones bangs truly entails, however I just remember a lot of Aquanet, and some sort of hair creation in front of my face that looked like a peacock's ass. Thanks Mom. As I have matured into a young lady, I have continued to back-comb, tease, rat my artificially colored mane, because as they say "The bigger the hair the closer to God"...and I need the extra points.

A Girdle. No one likes muffin top, everyone likes cookies. It's an awful problem. There is a solution. Suck that business in! Yes, the undergarments donned at my Senior Prom may have rivaled those of a Elizabethian Queen....but I looked good. If those pantyhose don't say "Control Top" they go right back on the shelf, next to the other useless items at the Drug Store..like tinted moisturizer....

Which brings me to my next topic. FULL FACE! Whoever said "less is more" with makeup needs to be slapped with a stick of pancake foundation! LADIES, PAINT IT ON! When I put on lipliner and the 14th coat of mascara I feel like I can conquer the world! Well that...or a Southern Ice Cream Social.

Most importantly, a lady needs to be confident, ballsy, and hard-working....in heels. Love YOURSELF.....well I mean poof your, hair, suck yourself in, and paint your face...THEN love yourself.

"Sally, she's an old school Showgirl. She's a tough broad"-My friend Billy on my mother...