Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas Shopping Stresses Me Out.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. I do not find Christmas in NYC magical. I think the Xanax I take before "experiencing" it is indeed magical. I get it the lights are nice, the "Rockettes are all-a dancing", and there is shopping galore...but there are people, CRAZY people everywhere.....
I attempted Christmas shopping the other day. Now, a few years back when I would go Christmas shopping in Michigan I would always add a little something to my coffee to make the day a little smoother....and by a little "something" I mean 100 proof Peppermint Schnapps. I still was a hot mess and ended up crying in some awkward corner of Sears praying that the perfect gifts would just find me. Well, here I am now in NYC, attempting Christmas shopping...with no Schnapps, just me...whatever dignity I have left....and a teasing comb.
The thing is unlike shopping in Metro-Detroit you cannot just make one or 2 trips and find EVERYTHING. You cannot just go to the nice mall to get most of your stuff and then hop down to the "other" mall for those Old Navy gifts...nope not in NYC. You must plan your shopping like you are plotting World War 3. Then ONCE you figure out which stores you are going to, you must then find out which area of the city has the most of these stores in the same area, THEN you must plan your travel route so you don't go WAY out of your way to get to said gifts. Now before I continue I am going to shut all of you up that are thinking "Doesnt she know the true meaning of Christmas?" Yes I do. However I also know the looks on everyone's faces when they open up empty boxes from me with notecards inside that say "The Reason For The Season"....People like presents on Christmas. We all agree...moving on.
Lets go over some possible gift options....
Housewares : So I venture into Crate and Barrel..Pottery Barn..Williams Sonoma..CB2..West Elm.....All of those stores that are WAY out of my price range but perhaps I can buy some napkin rings or a tiny clock and make my friends think I am loaded. NOPE. I walk into them and I am smacked in the face with Christmas Ornaments and awkward kitchenware. There is nothing practical. Perhaps a nice engraved bootflask, pillbox, or even a grapfruit spoon set? NOPE but you will be SURE to find a zester for citrus within the range of 14-16 cmm, or a deviled egg tray for premature ostrich eggs. Eff you yuppie awkward homemakers!
Clothing : Will someone PLEASE tell the "Hipsters" that Robin-Hood/Anne of Avonlea "Chique" is not cool. These terrible muted browns and faded maroon hues paired with silly ankle boots that rival those worn in my middle school production of "The Music Man" are just getting old. I am trying to buy some holiday "staples", like a nice sweater, or a hat and glove set, maybe even some pajamas but they DO NOT exist. I swear to God I found racks upon racks of these terrible MC Hammer pants with a sensible Victorian buttoned waist/belt thing. You know what I am talking about. Then I asked about scarves...the scarves. The man with glasses that did not have lenses pointed me to the 2 styles they carried. One that was the longest thing I have ever seen. I told him that by the time I unraveled myself from the "beast of knittery" that he was trying to sell me, it would already be time to leave and I would have to put it back on. Then he introduced me to a scarf that could be worn 45 different ways. I dont understand why I need to be able to wear my scarf as a fashionable halter top, or a mini skirt. In 1985...maybe...not in the DEAD ASS WINTER of Aught 10. (Thats 2010, just another Victorian reference). I leave empty handed.
Everything else. This is where my brain goes when I have no clue. I start to debate the "weird Holiday food/beverage gift sets". You know those things that we all secretly want to recieve. The Hickory Farms Sausage that NEVER spoil..which is totally weird, but totally delightful. In New York you cant really find those Midwest gems. Instead we have overpriced Jams made of Fig/Arugla/Pigsblood, and cheese spread made of Organic Vegan Farmraised Cagefree Soy/Rice/Almond/Raw/Non-Milk. Nothing anyone WANTS to eat...Giftset Fail. Then I ponder electronics. Affordable electronics are a thing of yesteryear, and the Apple Store is a WHOLE other anxiety attack. Gift Cards? Totally thoughtless, yet another thing that everyone secretly wants. You know the receiver will LOVE it, however then THEY know how much I spent and I know my super saver inside could get them so much more on sale in the sale sections of all the stores in NYC that don't EXIST and I can't find a SALE ANYWHERE...so WHY dont I just buy a f%^king GIFTCARD but I can't BECAUSE I WILL FIND THE PERFECT GIFT!!!....
...and that's how I ended up in the hospital. No not really, I mean I got through it. I left with one gift for someone else, and some spatulas and a tea pot for myself, and then got food poisoning the next day (that's a seperate blog..). So I must venture out again....and face my fears again...this time also buying the overpriced wrapping paper and bows because we can't just use newspapers these days.....it's all too depressing....
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


1 comment:

Lauren said...

I have so much Christmas shopping anxiety!!! Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only one that can't afford handmade eco-friendly vegan organic blah blah presents this year. :) Keep up the good work!